A Confusing Notion

Here's a simple word for you: sex. How much more blatant can it get? A cock slides into a pussy and BOOM: sex.

Right?

Definitely not.

In this case, the concept of the word is much more complicated than the word itself. That little bit described above is actually penetration, as is any instance of something going into an orifice of the human body (i.e. a dildo into an asshole, fingers into the mouth, a cucumber into the vagina... you get the idea).

Sex is not penetration, but penetration is sex. It's a teeny-tiny little segment of what you can do that qualifies as sex. Penetration IS NOT the goal of sex.

And if that IS your goal, then let me tell you, you need need to realign your sexual perceptions and do a little bit more during your playtime.

Remember the bases? Forget them. They assume that penetration is really what sex is all about and help perpetuate the misconception. They assume that everything else simply leads up to penetration as the promised land, the big finish.

Hell no.

Think about how much fun it is to engage in what people commonly call "foreplay" (a misnomer in and of itself because it makes it sound like penetration is really the only fun part). Lingering over the different erogenous zones - or really any zone - of the body with your fingers, lips, tongue, hair, etc., is highly sexual and pleasurable.

And pleasure is really the goal of sex. Unless your goal is to make babies in which case I have no idea why you're reading this.

There are other options as well if you really want to involve your genitals directly in the sex act. Women will commonly engage in what's called frottage, the sexual rubbing up against something. A woman can get on her lover's leg and hump away, for example. It stimulates the clit and can easily result in orgasm.

Men can put their penises between any of the soft curves of a body (thighs, ass cheeks, breasts...) and fuck away there, also easily resulting in orgasm because it gives the head of the penis the amount of stimulation it needs to make a man cum.

Did I mention these options are also forms of safer sex because they won't allow you to pass on/contract STDs or result in pregnancy? Do you see that you can easily get orgasm in other ways other than penetration and still experience extreme pleasure along the way?

Yep, fringe benefits galore.

So leave penetration station next time and spend more time in the foreplay section of your sexual repertoire. You'll be glad you did.

Now go and have a cigarette because I'm sure I just completely blew your mind. ;)

A Sexual Truth

Remember that dry-humping phase you went through back in the day? Rubbing your crotch up against someone in the backseat of a car or on the couch while your parents were in the other room. If you’re a woman, you know exactly how it felt. If you were with a woman, you remember the look on her face when you did.

Unfortunately, what felt so great about this for the ladies has been lost in the journey through the bases.

Last week, I dispelled the myth that the G-Spot is what women really need stimulated to make them orgasm. This cultural myth perpetuates Sigmund Freud’s theory that vaginal intercourse is the only true way to achieve orgasm for a woman.

My dear friends, men and women alike, let me introduce you to my favorite little button on the female body, the portion of anatomy that drove her mild in the aforementioned dry-humping phase: the clitoris.

Photo credit TheGirlDoctor.com

The clitoris, usually known as the clit, is a little nub below the clitoral hood and above the urethral opening on a woman’s body. The clit is home to about 8000 nerve endings, making it THE most sensitive spot on a woman’s body.

Why would you want to ignore that?

Even better: the sole purpose of the clitoris is sexual pleasure. It engorges with blood during sexual arousal, much like the penis. Unfortunately for women, this little bud with infinite potential is outside the vagina and very, very small – only about ¾ an inch in length and less than ¼ inch in diameter on average.

Getting this nub to fill with blood enough for it to peek out from under the hood and want to come out to play is a minor triumph in and of itself.

But the more important hurdle to overcome is how to touch it.

Some women like light pressure. Others like a little rubbing with the palm or a finger. And even more ways to drive the ladies crazy abound: light circular motions, pinching, flicking, sucking, licking, any intensity of vibration…

It’s all up to her. Pressure, intensity, and motions all vary, but there is generally one way that suits her best.

The challenge for you: figure it out. Whether it’s a challenge for your own clitoris or your partner’s, it’s absolutely crucial to put in the time to figure it out.

Why, you ask?

Because it’s the key to female pleasure, of course. Why would you ever want to deny yourself or any woman an orgasm of exquisite quality?

You wouldn’t.

So play with that little clittie and let its desires control you. ;)

My Top 10

In honor of the new year and all those annoying top 10 lists everyone provides, I thought I would give you all something a little different than usual: a personal list. The following are, in order, my favorite fucking activities:

10. Biting - There's something about the feeling of teeth sinking into me or mine sinking into another person..... try it. It's hot and it leaves lots of marks.

9. Noises - Moans and groans and growls, oh my ;)

8. Choking - There's a complete feeling of helplessness when there are hands around my neck and and mouth locked over mine. You resort to a sort of delicious desperation where your body wants to escape but wants to stay.

7. Rimming - If you've never felt a tongue in/around/near your asshole, you're missing out. It's so sensitive and wet, especially when you play with the surrounding area at the same time.

6. Pressure/force - I combined these into one because they're really related. Being held down into a bed, yanked around, squeezed tightly - it's that amount of control another person can exercise over you with their body, and it's incredible the amount of power that holds.

5. Clit Stimulation - I feel like this would be fairly obvious, but yes, it lies in my top 5. It's really necessary for any female sexual experience and enhances anything (let me repeat: ANYTHING) that happens during sex, or even messing around, for a woman. Plus, it'll make her orgasm. And how can you beat that?

4. Kissing - It's cliche, I know, but it's true. If you've ever encountered a good kisser, you know what I'm talking about. If not, let me introduce myself ;)

3. G-Spot Stimulation - There's a lot of stuff under this category, but the crucial ones are riding (the position, of course) and squirting. It's so deep and fulfilling, plus you can make me squirt. Congrats. :) I love giving this, too.... Seeing the look on a girl's face when I hit the spot and I know she feels it. Incredible.

2. Cocksucking - Have you ever had a cock in your mouth? The power of it if you're in control, the pure helplessness if you're not... Knowing that you're driving him wild just because you have his sex inside you. Segments of this that are crucial: ball-licking (because it's fun and you need to do this to actually do a blow job right for most guys) and deepthroating (because there's really nothing better than a messy, spitty blow job).

1. Dirty Talk - I feel like you might be disappointed that this ranks in at number one, but no matter what I'm doing, if someone walks up to me and starts telling me what they want to do to me or telling me how much of a slut they think I am, I'm turned on. I can't help it. And I can do this at any hour, of any day, in any form: verbal, hand-written, typed up online.... There's something very erotic putting your desires for another person into words instead of keeping it to yourself or just acting them out. Adds a little bit of sexual tension, and that's really always a lot of fun. ;)

I encourage you to go on your own little journey of self-discovery and come up with a list. Top 10, Top 5, Top 3... doesn't matter. But it's a lot of fun and it helps you get to know yourself better. It might make you realize your sex life is dull, or that you simply haven't found that thing that does it for you yet. No matter what, you'll be glad you made the list.

Happy Fucking New Year. :)

Deep Throating 101

What you're thinking of now is probably something out of a bad porno: a guy forcing his cock way down a girl's throat and seeing her choke, gag, and spit as a result.

Sounds unpleasant, especially if you're the one choking.

But it really shouldn't be.

Deep throating is the act of taking a man's penis deep into the mouth until the lips meet the testicles. Most guys like this because the feeling is much like being "balls deep" into a vagina or anus. It's total sensory overload because the entire shaft is inserted into the mouth. It's hot and wet and tight and they love it.

The key with deep throating is getting past the gag reflex.

Luckily, there's a lot you can do to accomplish this besides avoiding the act all together (because where's the fun in that?).

Before anything happens, you must RELAX. As with all things sexual, nothing is going to happen if you're all worked up.

Tips and Tricks
1. Take it slow. Warm up with some licking and sucking first. Don't rush right into shoving the cock down your throat because you're almost guaranteed to gag, and gag hard. So slow down. Take your time. Maybe turn it into a game and tease him with slowly working it in deeper and deeper until you're ready.
2. Lube! If you want to use actual lube, great. Flavored lube is another good choice because a lot of times it actually tastes better. The classic option is saliva. Don't be afraid to let those spit glands work because the more lubed-up that dick is, the easier it's going to slide and the better it's going to feel.
3. Keep breathing. Through your nose. Calm and steady breathing is a great weapon against your gag reflex.
4. Train your gag reflex. The best way to do this is by practice. When you're ready, allow the penis to slide along your tongue to the back of your throat. When you feel like you're going to gag, stop and let it rest there for a bit before pulling out out again. Repeat this enough and you'll defeat your gag reflex.
5. Change up positions. Try for what feels the most comfortable. Typically, the chin up will be the easiest, like if you're on top or with your head hanging off the edge of the bed, but other positions (like being on your side) can also work. See what works the best for you and stick with that until you gain more experience.

Trivia Tidbits
1. Humming while you work - highly pleasurable for the man - can quiet the gag reflex.
2. Your gag reflex is strongest during the morning, so until you tame it, definitely don't tackle morning wood.
3. One-third of the population doesn't even have a gag reflex. Maybe you're among them?

A Note for the Guys
Once your partner and you get started on this, you'll love it, I'm sure. It's so tight and massaging for the head and shaft, plus it's noisy because of the sucking and throat muscles working away. And it's highly visual. You'll be able to see your cock disappear completely into your partner's mouth.

Delicious, right?

But please be careful. When your partner first starts out, THEY must be in control. DO NOT try to force anything. Let your partner go at their own pace. When they gain experience, you can pick up the speed and take more control, get a little more aggressive. Until that time comes, lie back and just let your partner work.

Final Notes
This is a real sexual time investment, so if you start this project, be ready to work. The payoff will be huge, and certainly worth it, so I encourage you to labor away.

It's sexy. It's sensational. And it's satisfying. So go for it. You got this. Enjoy yourself. ;)

An Ode to Openness

I’ll mention things to people in my numerous conversations about sexuality like anal sex, double penetration, gag balls, or nipple clamps, and the immediate reaction is generally along the lines of:

“Ew, that’s gross! People actually do that?”

So I’m making one simple request: be open.

By that, I don’t mean be accepting and tolerant of others’ behavior – as much as I do wholeheartedly hope that you are and urge you to be – but rather be open to experimentation.

Don’t knock it ‘till you try it. Seriously. Who knows, maybe mutual masturbation is really your THING, that one erotic act that drives you crazy more than anything else. Why would you deny that to yourself just because you’ve decided that this behavior is strange? If you’ve never done it, don’t judge it. Try it.

If your partner suggests something, try that out. All you can do is try. If something happens that you really like, great, and if you don’t, that’s okay too. At least you know for sure. Being open to trying new things, especially at the suggestion of others, will help you learn what you actually like and what your limits really are.

Don’t be ashamed of your fantasies and desires. Many of us deny what we really want because we think it’s weird or are scared of what others will think. If you have a certain kink, it’s not going to just go away because you pretend it doesn’t exist. Instead, you have to embrace it. Cherish it. Practice it. Don’t let it turn into a dirty little secret that makes your world come crashing down when someone discovers it. If you’re comfortable with your practices and fantasies, then they’re absolutely okay.

That’s not to say that you should wear your sexual story on your sleeve. But you really shouldn’t be scared of what other people might say if they found out what you want to do or have done. First of all, if all your friends are like that, you need some new friends. And second, people might end up being more accepting than you think. Just because you and your friend don’t generally talk about sex doesn’t mean that the two of you won’t see eye to eye on the topic.

I fully realize that it’s socially unacceptable to talk about sex at every turn, especially openly, and that fear of judgment is a serious hindrance to many of us. As someone who won’t shut up about sex, I hear you, I really do. I WAS you. But I embraced my kinks and so should you. Embrace your fantasies and share them with those who are close to you. It’s a proven fact that when people know someone who’s intimately associated with a certain behavior, they’re more likely to be tolerant and accepting of the behavior, which leads to a greater acceptance of the behavior in the society as a whole.

All I ask if for you to be open. Be experimental. Try new things. It’s always fun to spice things up, so enjoy yourself along your path of sexual exploration and discover your kinks.

And then dedicate that delicious moment of discovery to this post. I’ll be honored.

Praise for Masturbation

Worried about STDs? Scared of getting pregnant? Too busy to find a partner? Not emotionally ready for sex? Against one night stands? Performance anxiety? Into a hard-to-find kink?

Masturbate. Problem solved.

Whether or not you actually practice it, we all know what masturbation is: the act of bringing yourself to climax (with toys, your hands, or other instruments), but not everyone recognizes its perks and true virtues.

Before I get into praising this beautiful act, I'd like to dispose of the usual suspects and arguments against masturbation.

Masturbation is not evil. It is not a sin. It is not disgusting. It is not wrong. There is nothing wrong with pleasuring yourself and it is not sufficient to cite the Bible's "wasting seed" reason or the "saving yourself for marriage" reason to dismiss the act all together.

Now, back to the good stuff. Think back to when you were a little baby. You probably don't realize it but when you were a baby, you spent a generous amount of time checking out your own situation (i.e. masturbating). It's one of those stories that parents don't generally share with their kids at the dinner table, or ever.

As children, we masturbate. A lot. We're learning about our bodies, how to use them and what to do with them. Masturbation is a key part of the process. Basic human instinct.

From this point on, the perks are endless. Masturbation is really a habit you want to get into by the time you enter your high school and college years (whether or not you're having sex regularly) because of everything it does for you. Just think about it.

Birth control and STDs are not worries when you masturbate for the obvious reasons: You can't give yourself anything and you can't get yourself or anyone else pregnant. These perks are not to be understated. As my aunt always says: "The safest form of sex is with yourself." You protect yourself and your health through masturbation and make sure you won't be stuck with a baby or a nasty case of herpes a year down the line.

Masturbation also fits well into time constraints. A couple of hours on a Friday afternoon to spoil yourself is significantly easier to coordinate - not to mention less of a time investment - than a full-scale relationship. It's beautiful for that busy, single person who has no time to waste and still wants to feel good.

Then there are those messy emotional reservations. Looking for that special someone. Unrequited love. Recently broken-up. All of them situations where you're likely to have some hang-ups about giving it up to just anyone. So give it up to yourself instead.

Or perhaps you have performance anxiety, you're into a hard-to-find kink, or you like to screw a little more often than you can get. All problems easily remedied by masturbation until you can work up the courage or find the perfect partner.

You also get to know yourself better. You get to know what you like and what you don't like. Where to hit the spot and what makes you squirm (in a good way). Which is perfect because when the time comes, you already know what you want and how to feel good. The outcome is a more enjoyable sexual experience for both you and your partner because he or she gets to see you enjoying yourself throughout rather than stumbling through or - even worse - not having fun.

Have I mentioned the health benefits? Besides the aforementioned, masturbating five to seven times a week for men can lead to a decreased risk of prostate cancer. Lower blood pressure, stress relief, lower heart rate and help you sleep better are perks for both sexes. Plus, it helps you know your body better and keeps you aware of how you are so if you're not okay, you know you need to see the doctor. And it can lead to greater sexual health and awareness for both sexes. The endorphins aren't bad, either.

So I encourage you to let yourself feel good. Find some alone time (or not, if you'd rather have an audience) and go exploring, maybe even give yourself that divine sensation or orgasm if you'd like to get that far. Yes, it's indulgent. Yes, it's selfish. So what? That's what an orgasm is. It's not for anyone else; it's for YOU. Give it to yourself, however you want it. Show yourself how much you care, how much you love yourself.

It's delicious. It's carefree. And it's wonderful. Regress to childhood and just play.

What is erotic?

I know you're attempting to answer this question in your mind and my fingers are crossed in the hopes that you've got an answer more creative than a dick going into a pussy.

Let me make this very clear: There is little eroticism in standard sexual intercourse.

So, are you thinking about a slow and sensual make-out with a whole lot of moaning and groaning, maybe with a little dry humping, in the back seat of your car after work?

How about tying someone down and beating them with a whip until they scream?

Watching someone undress when they don't know you can see?

Any, all of the above, or something else entirely that appeals to those dark, carnal desires of yours are fair game for eroticism.

In its blandest terms, eroticism means sexual excitement a step above sensuality. Psychoanalytically (as in, according to Freud's realm of thought) eroticism has absolutely nothing to do with the genitals but rather the erogenous zones of the body.

This makes eroticism different for different people. Obviously each of the above scenarios has varying appeal to different people.

You likely thought of something else entirely from the given examples when I asked what eroticism is. And that's fine. The most important thing to realize about eroticism is that it's not always about sex, but it's always sexual. That fine line of distinction is why I chose to address this now.

Think about it: Sex itself doesn't always fit these standards. There's very dull sex, sex that might not even get you off or satisfy you in the slightest. That's definitely not erotic. But putting a leash on your partner to satisfy your fantasies of control and dominance certainly is.

Consider that lovely little sex act that makes you tingle, makes you want to keep going forever, makes you yearn for more, and turns you on more than anything. It's guaranteed to be erotic, and that's a perfect starting point for you to form your personal definition of the term.

Most enjoy tying eroticism to "forbidden pleasures", which makes sense because people generally don't indulge these pleasures. We spend our lives denying these urges, postponing them for work and school and kids and obligations, really being productive members of society. We also deny the taboo and avoid doing things that will make us socially unacceptable.

Strange that the desire to fit in with other people generally overrides our innate need to fulfill those lustful urges.

So what could be hotter than getting down and dirty in the raunchiest way you could think of?

Absolutely nothing. That's erotic.